I have felt myself raw and exposed recently… my heart a seeping sore of open wounds…. feeling the agony of heart-pain deep within…. it is a vulnerable place from which to feel life… and tough to walk around in the normal everyday sense….. as if the lid of my chest should be placed firmly over it and locked….but I cannot close this part of myself any more.
Sometimes I wonder if I have a huge banner over me saying ‘look at me, look at my heart, it is so damn visibly open like a window to the red raw blood within’ and I want to run away and hide… but I don’t. I will not, anymore, this is the real me.
Why, I ask myself.. why am I just now feeling open, as if the sardine lid of my heartskin has been ripped so it can never again close down?
I know how it feels… to be touched to the quick by the pain of others… to be abandoned by the loved one I thought was my beloved for life… to know in my super super sensitive self, my empathic soul, how many of us are in agony and avoiding it.. I know the torment many of us feel at these times on earth, when the whole of our planet appears to be in meltdown, and our human skin is being tested to the limit.. I know the feeling of collective uproar from damage and destruction.
Yet here I am, very personally, feeling it is almost impossible to walk around in this current state of being ..to not fall down in deep wailing despair and agony… knowing my blood and bones, my body and all my organs are responding to much of our collective shame and blame, loss and abandonment of all that is important….I can hardly stand up.
Yet I also know that now is the time to feel, really, agonizingly, truthfully, to not shut out the emotional hum in my being, my soul, which resonates with all of life, both ecstatic and awful. Our world needs us to feel this, so we can wake up, recognising our response, our resonance to all that life gives us….
How do I manage this? How can I, as many of us need to, get up each morning, manage my day, find some meaning, engage and enjoy perhaps, when our reality is raw ? Can I truly feel these feelings and not want to curl up in a cave somewhere to hide?
Well today I did some self care… I took myself onto a self cacao journey into my heart, to explore how she is and to truly feel all I can, to not numb myself.. I needed this care, this love towards all I hold dear, this is the place I go to when nothing else makes sense… love. Only love simply gives me the answer…I don’t even know why I know this, when much of my early life was often a distorted sense of loving.. yet it was there, somewhere… and I absorbed a small iota of it in my deep recesses, in my dna, to stretch my heart beyond the pain and agony on days like today when the total madness of the world floods my senses.
Sometimes I turn to others, my totally trusted soul friends for this balm.. but today was a day to go inside. The solitariness of this journey is vital.
When I went within, I found a new part… I allowed my heart to break open, again… as I have done a myriad times over the last few years… and hiding within was an old ancient witch of the ocean, an old, wise wizened woman, a free part of me not afraid to feel, or wail, to live from my truth, and totally love myself – together with all of earth, the elements, men and women, animals, plants… the whole package… not afraid to show how I am.. she asked me to show up – I am ready to embody her hag wisdom, bringing her ancient female wisdom to the fireside, looking into the future. Perhaps she is all our futures?
The freedom she gave me, the revelation that my heart is showing and sharing its secrets, that the pain I am and was feeling can lead me to such powerful knowing.. is a sign that deep beyond the pain body lies knowledge… if we can but trust our own senses, and allow ourselves to feel, then we are shown where to go… I believe this to be true for everyone…. Yes I know how to do this as I have been practising for years… but during these current times, the intensity of our lives is ratcheting up, we need to do this more and more, listen to ourselves, so deeply, caringly and lovingly, that we are shown how to live finally… and how to love.
This is just another part of my story, and my life…a never-ending growth for me into my truth, my being and who I am as a woman of elder years embracing all I can be… But it is also a story of hope.. for all of us who can allow the feelings we feel, the senses we have perhaps held back from for fear of our pains and responses… to let them show us where to go, how to live, and engage with others… so that we can be free to finally live on earth in ways that serve her, ourselves and humanity.
My inner hag is an aspect of myself which holds the wisdom I wish to share… how she can come to life when her knowledge is honoured… and that each of us have within us something similar. Whatever our age, we can embrace our inner wise self and bring her or him to outer fruition.
Through this portal of feeling, we can find the means and the ways to come back from the brink of our madness on mother gaia, and from the brink of isolation, loneliness, pain, and confusion, to a sense of love and hope that returns us to our own circle of belonging… It’s what we all deserve….
After this journey, my body came back to life and I was ready to dance, eat glorious food and celebrate again what life has to offer- a reminder that not all life is on self destruct… I share this precious journey for us all, whatever we are going through, however we feel, as we emerge stronger, finding meaning, ready to face our own paths in life.
Join me on this journey if you are called to…